


Did You Ever?

by pitch_playbook



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-05
Updated: 2014-01-05
Packaged: 2018-01-07 14:36:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1121008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pitch_playbook/pseuds/pitch_playbook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Snow White wonders if Regina ever really cared about her. She wonders what might have been. In a strange way Regina is still like family to Snow. She wonders if Regina feels the same. The only way to find out is for Snow to talk to Regina. Takes place after their return to Storybrooke from Neverland.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Did You Ever?

**Author's Note:**

> I have been wondering for a while if Snow ever thinks about Regina, if she ever wonders what could have been. I feel like she probably wonders how Regina feels about her and if Regina ever really gave a damn about her. I wondered so much I decided to write about it. I have only written a few OUAT fics previously and none of them have included Snow or Regina, so this is my first story from Snow’s POV. Your feedback in the form of a review or a message on Tumblr (shesamarshmallow) would be greatly appreciated. Any thoughts on the story are welcome. :)

Snow White cries about many things these days and for many people but never over the loss of her relationship with Regina; not anymore. When she was younger though, before everything that has transpired between them, before the curse and even occasionally after she would think of what could have been. Her most repetitive thought is one of wonder, one of uncertainty; a what if Snow White is certain will never be answered. 

Did she ever love me?

Snow wonders this on occasion. If Regina ever loved her, ever really cared about her. It is difficult for Snow to fathom the possibility. After all Regina did kill her father and how could someone ever do that to a person they care about. Then she remembers Cora. She had no choice, she had to do it and she did it to save everyone. That’s what she tells herself anyway. Still though, she feels a pang in her chest every time she thinks of Cora. Not because she misses her or regrets her actions, sure she feels remorse but Cora was evil. There is no imagining what she would have done if Snow had spared her life. It is just the act of remembering that hurts her heart; remembering Regina’s reaction and the pain she felt when Snow took her mother’s life.

Snow did to Regina what Regina did to her so many years before. She hasn’t allowed guilt over Cora’s death to eat her alive but guilt and wonder about her relationship with Regina does sometimes. She comes back to the same question time and time again.

Did she ever love me?

Snow knows how she felt about Regina. She was a child so things were less complicated for her, more black and white than they were for Regina; she is certain though, she loved Regina. From the moment the older woman saved her life Snow had a certain affinity for her. She looked up to her, she cared for her; she loved her. The loss of her own mother is a heartbreak that still lingers but when she learned that Regina was to be her stepmother Snow couldn’t have been happier. No one could replace her mother but to have someone there for her, to have a mother figure in her life would be wonderful. 

It was short lived though, of course. After she told Cora about Regina and Daniel things changed rapidly. Regina said she was happy to be her stepmother but Snow learned the truth soon enough. Regina wouldn’t be happy until she got her vengeance. She wouldn’t be happy until Snow was dead.

As she sips her coffee now at a table in the corner of Granny’s these memories run through her mind. Memories of times before the curse, before her father’s death, before she betrayed Regina’s trust and become the object of her hatred and scorn. Memories like those of the day that Regina saved her life. Memories of times where a hug from Regina was a reality rather than the most absurd thing anyone could imagine. She swirls the spoon around in her cup, mixing the cool white cream into the dark liquid as the memories wash over her. 

Snow is startled when a voice jerks her from her thoughts. It is a voice she will never get tired of hearing, even if it disturbs her peace. It is her daughter, Emma.

“Are you okay Mary Margaret?” the voice questions, a look of concern spread across the woman’s beautiful features. 

It always stings a little when Emma calls her that. Mary Margaret, that’s not even her name much less the moniker she’d prefer to hear from the other woman. She wonders why the young woman won’t just call her mom. She knows she’ll never understand where Emma is coming from though. She will never be able to understand her own daughter, all that she has been through and that is another thing that hurts her. She can add that to the list of painful uncertainties in her life. 

“I am fine, thanks for asking. I was just thinking,” Snow assures her daughter. She would never tell anyone, not Emma, not Charming, not anyone that she thinks about Regina. They would never understand. 

The Evil Queen, that’s who Regina is to everyone else. She is the woman who has turned their lives upside down and caused them endless suffering and heartbreak. She stole their lives and hurt them in ways she can never make up for. For Snow though, there is more to their story. Snow is the only person who knew Regina before she was the Evil Queen. She is the only person who really knows Regina. Sure some people are getting to know Regina now but Snow knew her then. She knew the kind woman she once was. Before her mother’s evil and Rumple’s magic darkened her heart, changed her in ways that most people will never understand. Snow knew the beautiful woman who saved her life, no one else knew that woman and that’s what makes this all the more painful.

Snow has no one to share with, no one who can sympathize or understand. No one perhaps except Regina herself. The thought of talking to Regina about their past has crossed Snow’s mind a few times. She always talks herself out it. She assures herself that Regina doesn’t care. She didn’t care enough to spare Snow the pain and suffering she caused her as a child; she certainly doesn’t want to talk about it now. The more Regina changes though, the more she shows signs of her old self the more Snow thinks maybe talking is a good idea. If the Regina she once knew is still somewhere in there, maybe just maybe she would be okay to talk to Snow. Maybe she would answer at least some of the unanswered questions that haunt her in her sleep. Maybe she would answer Snow’s one big question.

Did she ever love me?

It takes another week for Snow to pluck up the courage to actually talk to Regina. There are so many things to think about. Where should she try and talk to her? How should she bring the topic up? It’s not as if Snow wants to just waltz up to the woman in the middle of Granny’s and ask if she actually ever gave a damn about her. It’s not like Regina would even be receptive to that. Should she invite her over for tea? It would definitely be suspicious. Regina has never been welcome in the Charming household why would that change now? That is what Snow imagines Regina would say to the invite. 

All these factors leave her with yet more uncertainty. Even if she can get it out, even if she can ask Regina the tough questions, is there ever going to be an appropriate time and place?

Maybe she should have talked to her while they were in Neverland, when their fates were uncertain. It may have seemed less odd, Snow suddenly declaring her desire to talk to Regina. Snow wanting to know where they stand. All of it might have seemed like a symptom of fear, of uncertainty, of fading hope if she had asked her there. 

Now Snow is home, well, she’s back in Storybrooke and she’s safe. She’s with her family, her daughter, her husband, their grandson and friends. Snow has everything she could ever want and need, that’s how Regina sees it anyway. What could she ever need from her? 

Truth.

That’s it really. Snow simply wants the truth. A truthful account of Regina’s feelings for her, if Regina has or ever had true feelings towards her, Snow wants to know. She is even willing to give of herself. She’s willing to concede to Regina that she cares about her. After all these years, after everything they have been through Snow still cares about her. It is something she has never told anyone because they’d never understand but it is something she can’t help but feel. Snow can’t help but still feel for her stepmother, for the woman that might have raised her if circumstances had been different. At least for the woman that might have continued to care about her even if she didn’t raise her. 

Maybe if things were different and Regina had been able to marry her true love, if she had been able to be with Daniel, maybe they would have stayed friends.

Just thinking about the possibilities causes Snow’s heart to break a little more. She could have had a relationship with Regina if things were different. Their relationship could be more, could be better than former stepdaughter that she tried to kill multiple times. Their relationship could be something other than that of women who have hurt each other, and women who are strangely related. 

It is all so odd the idea of talking to Regina about their past that Snow decides there isn’t really a great time or place. She decides to just do it, to just walk up to Regina’s doorstep and ask her to talk. It is as good a place as any and now is as good a time. The worst that can happen is that Regina might slam the door in her face, but she suspects that won’t be the case. Regina is a complicated woman with complex emotions; most importantly though, even if people may think otherwise Regina is a woman with a heart. Regina is a woman with feelings. Regina may not love Snow or have ever truly cared for her but that doesn’t make her void of any feelings. Snow believes that Regina will open the door; that she will talk to her. How their conversation will go remains to be seen, but Snow is confident that it will at least happen. 

“Ms. Blanchard, what brings you here?” Regina raises an eyebrow as she opens the door. 

Snow is hesitant, she’s not sure she wants to reveal the reason for her visit this soon. 

“You can call me Snow you know,” she says it softly, not sure if it will stick. 

“Okay,” Regina starts, “what brings you here on a Saturday morning, Snow?” 

“Henry isn’t here,” the woman adds, almost as an afterthought as if she doesn’t believe Snow is even there to see Henry but she can’t fathom any other reason she might be there. 

“I’m here to see you actually,” Snow says this confidently, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

The look Regina gives her assures Snow that it is not obvious, nor is it even welcome if she’s reading the situation correctly. Regina doesn’t move from her spot in the doorway. She doesn’t make any effort to let Snow in or make her feel welcome. Snow didn’t exactly expect a different response. The only other times she has showed up on Regina’s doorstep she wasn’t there for a friendly chat. She’s not sure how to make Regina feel safe, to let her know that she comes with a banal motive this time.

“Ms. Blan…Snow, if you have something to say please speak up. I don’t have all day.” 

It is obvious to Snow that Regina is growing impatient. Regina’s face gives something else away though; curiosity. Snow is sure of it. Even as Regina asks her to hurry along there is also a burning curiosity there. She wants to know why Snow is there. Snow wonders for a second if Regina has anything in mind. She wonders if there is anything Regina hopes she is there to say. Snow wonders if Regina’s mind wanders in the same way as hers. She wonders if Regina ever thinks about her.

“Sorry Regina,” Snow apologizes for making the other woman wait. 

She wonders if Regina noticed her eyes glaze over briefly as she daydreamed, just staring at the air. 

“Don’t apologize, just speak.” 

Regina is on the verge of losing her temper. She never should have come here. Never attempted to talk to Regina. What was she thinking? Why did she let her curiosity, her thoughts, her memories eat at her. She is happy now. She and Charming are safe, they are with Emma again and they have a wonderful grandson. Still though, Snow finds there is a void. A hole left in her heart, by Regina, all those years ago. The moment she lost Regina the hole was left there, small at first but it has grown. It was easy enough to ignore when she hated Regina, when she was her enemy. Now though, with their relationship so ambiguous, the hole is too vast to ignore. 

“Can I come in?” Snow asks softly. She has tested Regina’s patience enough already but this is not a conversation she wants to have on Regina’s porch. 

Regina gives her the side eye; the one Snow is all too familiar with. 

She speaks up though eventually and Snow can’t help but smile. 

“If you must.” 

Regina leads her through the entryway, into the kitchen. Snow can tell that it is Regina’s curiosity that has allowed her entry into the house. If Regina didn’t care, she wouldn’t have let her in. 

Snow sits down at the table cautiously, just waiting for Regina to join her. When the woman doesn’t immediately join though Snow gives her an inquisitive look.

“Would you care for some tea Ms. Blanch…Snow?” 

Snow resists the urge to laugh, even as she offers her the tea she’s still giving her a look that says if you don’t speak soon I will throw you out. She’s trying though, trying to be Regina and not the Evil Queen.

“That would be lovely, thank you Regina,” Snow’s sweetness elicits an eye roll from Regina. 

After a few minutes Regina sets down two mugs of tea on the table and sits across from Snow. She eyes her again with a look that urges Snow to speak up, to tell Regina why she’s there. 

“The day you saved me from my horse,” Snow starts, her voice quivering with uncertainty. 

“The day you saved me from my horse,” she repeats, “I still think about it a lot.” 

Snow kicks herself internally. That can’t be all she says to Regina today. That can’t be it. It says everything but at the same time nothing. She can’t expect Regina to read her mind.

Snow is surprised when the other woman speaks up. 

“So do I.”

Snow smiles brightly but Regina is not smiling. Her face is still, stoic even. Her expression is impossible to read. Even as Regina admits that she thinks about Snow, Snow cannot tell how she feels about it. 

“I am not a monster,” Regina starts again. “Snow, I know that I am the monster in so many parts of your story, but I am not a monster. I am still a person with feelings. I am still a person who remembers my past…our past. I still remember the little girl that I saved from her horse and the way she smiled at me, the way she hugged me, the way I thought she would never let go.”

If Snow is not mistaken she can see a small tear forming in Regina’s eyes but as soon as she sees it it’s gone. She wasn’t wrong, Regina does think about her. Regina has the same feelings, the same memories, possibly the same regrets. 

“I know you’re not a monster,” Snow offers genuinely. “You have done some bad things and you have made some incredibly selfish and hurtful choices, but you are not a monster. Monsters are incapable of love and we both know that you love Henry more than anything.”

Regina’s face softens ever so slightly as Snow mentions Henry. Snow holds back her most pressing question. She says that Regina loves Henry but she wants to hear that Regina loved her. 

Did she ever really love me?

Snow wonders again, like she has so many times over the years. Every time Regina hurt her, she wondered. Snow knows that nothing is black and white and that even though Regina’s actions have caused her so much heartbreak it is possible that there was still a time when Regina cared for her.

“I know you didn’t come here to say that. I know you are not here to forgive me.” 

Regina is right and Snow can’t avoid that. This isn’t what she came here for. She’s not sure she could even muster the words. If there is any anger and regret that she still holds in her heart it is for everything that Regina has done to her and everything Regina has taken from her. Snow isn’t sure she forgives her and she knows that’s not why she came to visit. 

“I will someday,” Snow says, it is all she can truthfully say. “I will forgive you some day, a day when I am a better person who is capable of moving past everything. I want to forgive you Regina, but I want to mean it. I’m still so…”

Regina stops her, “I know.” 

“I can’t expect your forgiveness after everything I have put you through, everything I have put everyone through. My actions are not exactly worthy of forgiveness. You can’t ruin people’s lives and expect them to fall at your feet.”

‘’People will get there,” Snow assures her, though in the back of her mind she thinks she may be telling a comforting lie. Snow may be able to forgive Regina one day but she’s not sure anyone else can. After all, she will always be the Evil Queen to them. 

“You are right though,” Snow offers after a few minutes of silence, “that is not what I came here for.” 

Snow’s palms begin to sweat, she is nervous because as she has stopped speaking she knows the next question out of Regina’s mouth will be…

“So, what are you here for?” 

“When I was a little girl,” Snow starts, hands trembling, unsure of what her next sentence will be. 

“When I was a little girl,” she repeats, “I cared about you. I was so excited to have you as a stepmother. I looked up to you. I didn’t have my mother but I had you and I thought you were all I would ever need. I loved you.” 

Snow can’t help the tears that start to fall as she finishes her revelation. Regina’s facial expression is again difficult to read. 

“I know you never loved my father and I could never expect you to. I can’t help but wonder though, did you ever love me?” 

The question is heavy, it is short and simple while at the same time being vast and all encompassing. The answer cannot be simple. Their relationship never has been. 

For a few minutes the women just sit there and watch each other. Snow is in tears but Regina offers no comfort, she is not in a place to be able to do so. Her mind is racing. Snow has put so much out there, it is important that she thinks about her response. 

“I used to dream about my life with Daniel. I would dream of marrying him one day; of being with him for the rest of my life. I dreamt of having a family with him, of having little ones running around the house. After I met you Snow, I hoped that one day we would have a daughter as sweet and as wonderful as you were. Of course I loved you Snow, how could I not?”

Regina’s admission breaks her. Sobs begin to rack Snow White’s body. She has never been good at hiding her emotions. She has wondered for so many years if Regina cared about her and now she knows that she did. It takes everything in her to pull herself together. Snow takes a deep breath and hopes she hasn’t made things too awkward with her breakdown. 

Did she ever love me?

That question has been answered for Snow. Walking up the path to Regina’s house Snow wasn’t sure what to expect but she got more than she ever could have bargained for. 

“Thank you for the tea,” Snow offers, getting up to leave. She is sure she has more than overstayed her welcome now. 

Regina recoils slightly at Snow’s action. Snow isn’t sure but she believes there may be a hint of sadness in Regina’s eyes as she goes to leaves. There has been enough emotion for one day though, at least for Snow. Maybe one day, sometime in the future they will talk again. Maybe one day their relationship will be different. Maybe one day what has been broken will be mended. Today though their talk has been enough for Snow. She knows now that everything she has wondered about, Regina has wondered to.

“You’re welcome Snow.” 

Regina walks Snow back through the entryway, back to the front door. Snow turns around one final time before walking out. She wants to hug Regina and for a second she thinks the other woman might be open to it but she stops herself. She remembers why she’s there. She came to talk to Regina about their past. That is the key word, past. Regina once loved her but they are a long way and a long time off from their days in the enchanted forest. Whatever Regina felt for her it was when she was a child. If Regina was ever open to being her stepmother it was back then, not now. She turns back again to walk out the door. Maybe some day she thinks, maybe one day she will hug Regina again like the day they met. 

As Snow walks out the door though her heart skips a beat. It is ever so brief and maybe she imagined it but she feels a hand on her shoulder. A small touch, the only gesture Regina can offer. A sliver of hope for the future and hope is all Snow White has ever needed.


End file.
